1. |
old floor / trap door
04:03
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i wonder if the world was listening if i’d have a thing to say
if the hurt you carry looked at me if i could meet its gaze
i’m just tired of founding houses upon the shells of eggs
when what I love falls through the floor that can’t support its weight
and i’m thanking a god who never answers me
that i’m still alive for what the hell that means
now i’m laying in the basement with a pair of broken legs
coulda sworn that you’d be here by now to carry me away
but friends are fickle fixtures with vows subject to change
so i’ll spend the night looking up at the life that you helped me arrange
and i’m thanking a god who never answers me
that i’m still alive for what the fuck
for what the fuck that means
i’m here
i’m here in the bottom of my house
i hope someone hears me before it burns down
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2. |
wishing against
03:58
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it’s sticking to my bones
this feeling that a change has come
i fear i’m all alone in this again
this place was once my home
to burn it makes my body numb
my conscience begs me go before you bend
and i bend
at times i’m so afraid to call it what it is
a drying of this sea i used to drown my sorrows in
the walls are decorated with my bloody fingerprints
clawing towards the doorway
it’s bringing out the ghosts
of friends that i had yesterday
adventure down this road could never last
its challenging my hopes
these old dreams begging me to stay
have i the strength to bury in the past
so bury it all in the backyard
and go back to pretending it’s all in your head
just avert your eyes from the windows
for fear you’ll see what grows where you bury your dead
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3. |
curtain puller
05:36
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god you’ve been quiet for a while now
and i’m wondering if you’re there
‘cause my eyelids are red and my friends are dead
so i’m speaking to the air
your voice relaxed when mine did
as if it never made a sound
so the wails of my blues danced around the room
and i sought comfort in their bounce
all of my fears are realized
looking in my father’s face
been praying to the lord since the day i was born
now i’m asking for it’s grace
i watched you sink into the bottle
while my world was being shaped
but your faith and its tricks they never did fix
what the babysitter raped
now i’m asking questions
that i’m scared to find the answers to
and i’m learning lessons
where once i was blind of what we do
put it all out of my mind to survive
reflect off the walls and sink in my bones
they’re telling me what i already know
the god i was raised on was only a show
pull back the curtain and find myself alone
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4. |
small boxes
05:56
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i’m coming to terms with a part of myself
i’m marking the road to my personal hell
the lineage leads to a time long before
you ignored my bells just to break down my door
where it stayed for a while
i found all the letters i postmarked to god
signed by the heartbroken child he forgot
i whispered your name again reading these words
and counted the price of the lessons we learned
and we paid more than we earned
and it stayed, the debt incurred
so I buried my face in the dirt
‘cause i’d rather see nothing
rather hear nothing than hurt
i’m following footsteps that carve out a trail
in earth void of wildlife and littered with nails
to lids of small boxes where buried are sons
and daughters of violence where used to be love
and i saw their lifeless eyes
and i bought the preacher’s lie
and that’s right where you’ll find me tonight
naked in the dark wishing i’d forget the light
so i’ll stay for a while
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5. |
god killed me in a dream
03:23
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its hovering above my bed at night
where do my good intentions go when i turn off the light
its weakening my nascent will to fight
reminding me inside my sleep of wrongs i’ve made of rights
and what is real becomes a question of a lesson lost in time
its flickering upon my screen tonight
i watch my false perceptions go to hell before my eyes
the bile is rising higher in my chest
i feel it scratching at my throat and i know nothing now of rest
and what is real becomes a question of a lesson lost in time
oh my god is the feeling i get
when i lose myself in the rhythm and breath of this song
your god tried to stab me to death
with an ancient tongue, put my family to rest but you’re wrong
my god is the feeling i get
when i lose myself in the rhythm and breath of this song
your god tried to collapse my lungs
still i tread this water ‘til my body is dead and i’m gone
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6. |
easter lily
03:32
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holding out hope there’s a light at the end
of this rail-tie and rope so i can stop pretending
i’m not scared of the punchline to jokes about death
just to find there’s no reason for any of it
and you’ll pray to god
and i’ll play an irreverent song
just to spite what i can’t understand
it brings me back to that place where i said
the ceiling fan was calling out my name
alas, a few more times around the sun
has taught me not to feel shame
this time i let it stay
this time i got to know it like a date on a grave
i haven’t carved out yet beneath my own name
holding out hope there’s a light at the end
of this ekg scope so i can stop pretending
i’m not scared of the flatline, the note marks your death
just to find there’s no reason but there’s gotta be
i’ll find it
and you’ll pray to god
and i’ll play an irreverent song
just to spite what I can’t understand
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7. |
respire
02:46
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where can i run that you won’t find me
where can my body lay that doesn’t pierce the skin
i’m wearing thin
does nature hold this balance or does it fall on me
have I been cursed to carry what you settle willingly
does it breathe, i can’t
i can’t breathe
and when i make my bed will i be
a spectre looming o’er the town that broke my heart
or break apart and feed the earth
does fear ever grow tired of chasing broken men
my legs fell out from under when i found i'm one of them
does it leave, i can’t
i can’t breathe
oh what carries me but echos in a song
you wrote of love you buried long ago
so you could breathe
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8. |
the houses you leave
04:31
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i passed your house on the way home
the one we used to share when we were less alone
it got me thinking about stuff
like faith and loyalty and if i’m worth the love
that people spend on me
‘cause I don’t think i am
so maybe things are not so bad
i rent a nicer place and fixed things with my dad
but i still think about that house
and what i left inside, still I can’t figure out
just why i did, can you
maybe we never will
i passed that house again last night
i felt it crystal clear, the way we used to fight and i thought
maybe wounds don’t truly heal
and everyone agrees to pretend none of them are real when they are
so i stopped my car
and i went to that door
but it’s too late to knock
‘cause you’re already gone
you said that honesty’s enough
well honestly i’m scared that i’m not worth the love
that people spend on me
i hope someday i am
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9. |
celebrate
04:46
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i heard the news from a friend of a friend
that a story you started had met the wrong end
and all i could do was hold my guitar
and grieve in vibrations at the end of my arms
it’s the only form of worship i know
the only way I’ll ever get close to touching your ghost
so i lift up my voice through the smoke and sing
i am broken, where have my friends all gone
words you’ve spoken find their way in my song
hallelujah, god won’t you say something back
need some proof of the dead better off than i am
i wrote a verse and sang it alone
stuttered and cursed as i built it a home
in hopes i’d find words to comfort my friends
i always fail to translate what the amplifier says
i’ll celebrate with every last breath that i’ve got
i’ll sing your praise and scream if my lungs fail me not
i’ll mark your grave with songs of my love for you, friend
i’ll write your name in the air that i’ll breathe ’til the end
i’ll celebrate
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10. |
i'm not sad anymore
07:19
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so they say it gets better
write this on your fridge if it helps you stay together
you’re just bored, bound and tethered
to your schoolyard bully’s song playing like a broken record
on your heart
oh god I’m scared
go make some art, you’ll feel repaired
just grow up, be the bigger man
what does that mean with your fingers on my triggers
smile for once, don’t be a stranger
nobody ever built a house with a hammer forged in anger
why should i
its where i am
with bloodshot eyes and bloodstained hands
here in this hospital i find what i’m looking for in you
breathe, will my body to survive just like every day you do
‘til i’m not sad anymore
i’m not sad anymore
i’m not sad anymore
i’m not sad anymore
if i say this enough will it be true
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11. |
tired bones
04:25
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why does my love stick to my ribs
between my heart and words i lose behind my lips
its keeping me from saying this
hoping melodies convey the point i missed
i am scared
that when we’ve left our homes and nothing’s there
to lay beside our tired bones
i’m not prepared to leave behind the ones i love
i haven’t told them enough
why do i run so far from home
but shoulder bricks from houses past out on the road
its keeping me from walking straight
to feel my back breaking beneath my passion’s weight
so here i go
with words that come in screams instead of notes
they are the marrow in my bones
and i need you to know i fucking need you
i am terrified that someday i will die
with no love left to bury me inside
so i risk embarrassing myself
you are the reason i survive
you are the reason i survive
lay beside these tired bones
and call it home
the only one we know
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12. |
canyon
03:16
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am i defined by a road with a name
i learned in ninth grade but have yet to ride
because i declined to keep at this pace
and nothing feels safe here since you died
i took the preacher’s empty words to heart
and i fed the maw the hollow scriptures left
and i sought to craft each lover works of art
but i am an embarrassment to them
i still believe in a place that is warm
should i conform to meet its needs
this doorway bleeds and i’m terrified
what’s on the other side’s not meant for me
i’ve seen the milky pits these feelings dig
from the bottom looking up after a fight
no one tells a boy his heart can grow so big
it bursts and leaves a canyon where it dries
heard there’s a light to guide us across
i think mine got lost with you, my love
so i sit to write the last song i ever will
in hopes my heart is still when i am done
can i be done
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